I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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