True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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