Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
