yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
