I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
