I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize