You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
