I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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