Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
