so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
