So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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