i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
