Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
