dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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