I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
