I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
