I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
