Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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