i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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