Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
