you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
