at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize