I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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