The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
