He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
