Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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