I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
