i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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