She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
