I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
