If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
