i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
