gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
