Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
