I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
