U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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