the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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