Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize