she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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