Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
