It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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