nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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