This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
