ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
