he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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