I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
