You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
