booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
