i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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