I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
