The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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