i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
