I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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