I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
