I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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