I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
