is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
