The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Pappa wants mamma naked
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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